Relationships

     So much energy is put into how to get a man.  The list is endless, books, dating services, television shows, even dating websites designed to help women get a man.  Okay, you have him… now what?  I’m going to tell you right off, that its going to seem like I am just old-fashioned.  What I am asking you to do is open your mind to the possibility that what I am going to tell may have some merit.  Take some time and look at yourself, the opinions you have and what you truly want out of your relationship.  We are very quick to point out what our mate isn’t doing.  Today l want you to take some responsibility and look at how the things that you may or may not be doing are affecting your relationship. 

     This generation of women currently in our 30’s and 40’s years of age were raised to be independent.  Many women are convinced that they cannot depend on a man.  So, of course, when the phrase ‘submit to your husband’ comes up, there will be some resistance.  Some issues are specific to my African-American sisters.  The question is, “Have these issues spilled over into the other races as well?”  It goes all the way back to the “Willie Lynch Letter and the Making of a Slave” by Willie Lynch.  If you haven’t read this book, you should.  It’s a very quick read and you can purchase it for about five dollars.  Basically, it describes how back in the time of slavery a plan was designed to systematically separate the black man from the black family.  Taking the black man out of the home placed the black woman in the position of looking out for herself or looking to the white man for assistance.  Now you can believe this story or not but the state of the overall black family cannot be disputed; we need to be healed.

     People are quick to quote the Bible as it tells wives to submit to their husbands.  Submitting to your husband is not necessarily a bad thing.  As you have selected the right husband submitting to him will only benefit you.  What people don’t quote is the fact that it also says that a husband should love his wife the way Christ loved the church and give himself for it.  It also tells that men should love their wives as their own body.  This being the case, if your man loves you that much, everything he does will be done with your best interest in mind… and that is a good thing.

     So many women are caught up in being independent that we have convinced ourselves that we don’t need a man and we are quick to let him know just that.  Men need to feel needed by their woman on some level.  As you continue to drill in his head that you don’t need him, eventually you will convince him and he will cheat on you or leave you for a woman who does need him.  For the ladies who make more money than your man, understand that he is still the man.  The man is the head of the house, not the person who makes the most money.  Never try to make a man feel that he is less than a man.  There may be times when you have a disagreement and that man fights dirty and says something to hurt your feelings.  I am certainly not saying that is acceptable.  You definitely need to handle that and let him know he can’t speak to you in that manner.  What I do want you to know is that you can’t fight dirty back.  Men so absolutely can not take it.  If you get to telling him how he’s not doing what a real man should be doing and you are doing it in an angry hateful manner; he will never recover. 

     The best policy is just not to argue at all.  I’m not saying that you should not to voice your opinion.  You can certainly let it be know how you feel in situations that require it, but do so in a calm and rational manner.  If he gets to yelling and swearing just sit there a look at him… do not get drawn into an arguement.  The main reason is that if he expresses himself in an angry manner, nothing you say is going to calm him down anyway because he just wants to be angry.  Just like being in court, anything you say can and will be used against you.  So don’t say anything.  Ride it out and eventually he will get tired of the one-sided fight.   That’s all the required background information.  Now I’m going to give you the things needed to keep you man happy on a day-to-day basis.  Most men aren’t that complicated.  Basically, all men want to do is to eat, have sex and watch the game.  If you are truly providing your man with these things, not just think you are your relationship will be secure.

Feed Your Man

     Ladies, if your mother didn’t teach you how to cook, now is the time for you to learn.  You need to know how to cook a healthy well-balanced meal and you need to do it on a regular basis.  Get some cookbooks, you can start Patti LaBelle or Bobby Flay.  Also try www.FoodNetwork.com it has some great recipes from many chefs.  If you watch the Food Network Channel on television, they have many shows that will demonstrate how to prepare meals.  Remember I told you that you might think I’m being old-fashioned.  Well I do believe the man’s job is to provide for the family and the woman’s job to take care of the family.  So if you’re a stay at home mom and your man is providing all the financial support, certain things in your life fall under the category of things he just shouldn’t have to do.   He shouldn’t have to work all day then come home and cook dinner, wash the clothes and clean up the house.  On the other hand, if you have to help him do his job, then he needs to help you do yours.  So if you are working outside of the home and helping to support the family financially, these chores should be shared. 

     As for planning and preparing the meals, you should do as much of this as possible.  High blood pressure, diabetes, obesity and other diseases are plaguing our families and can be prevented and controlled with proper diet.   Even if you have a man who isn’t picky about the food he will eat, you should still make sure he’s eating healthy meals.  I know we love to eat our pork, but it should be eliminated from your family’s diet altogether because unhealthy is an understatement.  If you must eat beef, it should be limited to a maximum of once per week, because it takes that long for it to get out of your digestive system.  Use fresh poultry, fish, vegetables, fruits and herbs as much as possible.  If you use canned foods, do not cook them in the liquid from the can.  Pour that liquid out and rinse the contents off.  High levels of sodium are added as a preservative and rinsing it will keep you from ingesting it.

     If you plan your meals at the end of the week for the following week and make sure you get everything you require from the grocery store you will have everything you need each day.  Avoid purchasing fruits and vegetables for more than the upcoming week as you want to make sure they remain fresh.  Each morning review the meal you planned for that day and if you require something in the freezer take it out so that it will be thawed by dinnertime.  Do whatever it takes to make meal planning work for you.  Men like to know that when they get home there will be a hot meal waiting for them or served within a reasonable time.  If you are not required to work outside of the home, there is no excuse for dinner not being ready when your man gets home.  Manage your schedule, the children (if you have them) and your housework in a manner that allows you to make this happen.  Even ask him to call on his way so you can make sure his meal is hot.

Real Talk:  If you won’t cook for your man, there is some other woman more than happy to make a nice home-cooked meal for him.

Have Sex with Your Man

     I know this seems like a no-brainer but you would be surprised at the number of women who are not having enough or quality sex with their men.  The first step is to know your man.  If your man likes to have sex daily and you are only having sex with him monthly, you have a problem.  The problem is that no matter what your man tells you, if you’re not satisfying your him, it is likely that he is only going to remain faithful to you for so long.  You need to find some type of compromise so that you aren’t sending your man out into the streets starving everyday.  Do you think beautiful women disappeared from the earth because he’s with you now?  Do you think that he is never going to be attracted to another woman because he’s with you now?  Let me tell you, in case you don’t know… they didn’t and he will.  It’s kind of like sending him outside in the dead of winter with no coat.  Girl, you have to give him something to protect him from the outside elements.  There will always be beautiful women around and he will always feel an attraction to someone else.  Your job is to make sure that he is getting enough quality sex from home that he’s not weakened by outside offers.  And just so you know… he IS sharing that information with someone.  Somebody knows that he is sexually frustrated.  What you don’t know is if that person is going to coach him through having a conversation with you so a change can be made at home, or if that person is going to take care of the problem for you. 

     Ask your man if he’s getting enough and listen to the answer.  If he’s not getting enough he has told you in the past and either you weren’t listening, you don’t think it’s that big of deal or you just don’t care.  Next, ask your man if he’s getting everything he wants the way he wants it.  Trust me when I tell you that if you are just lying there… He is not happy!  Sex is an interactive sport and it takes the participation of two people.  I know that many of us were raised to believe that good girls don’t do certain things.  I need for you to get over that right now in this moment.  Now I’m not telling you that you should do any little deviant thing your man can think of, but some basic things are required and if you don’t do them, you will lose him.  If you don’t care you need to examine why.  Either you are emotionally done with the relationship or you are not attracted to your man and being intimate with him is not on your list of things to do.  If this is your situation, you need to decide why you are still in the relationship and consider getting out of it.

     If your issue is that you had some past trauma that is affecting your ability to fully give yourself to a man, you need to seek therapy.  I am not trying to be funny or insulting, if you have a real issue you need to see a professional that can help you deal with your past so that it doesn’t continue to affect your present.  If your issue is that you just don’t have any skills, you need to start studying.  Just like any other subject that you want to master you must seek out the knowledge and absorb it.  Tell your man you want to watch some porno movies together.  While you’re watching, try some things out.  Now you can do this alone, however, when you start doing new things he will want to know why you are suddenly doing new things and want to know where you learned them.  Suspicion is not an aphrodisiac.  If he’s in on it from the beginning he will be receptive to the new things you are trying.  Something to look for while watching the movies are new positions, men like to switch it up and once you learn what you’re doing, I’m sure you’ll like it as well.  Another thing is to be vocal.  The vocals are usually a little fake in the porno movies but you’ll get the point.  Men like to be talked to and encouraged during sex… talk dirty to them.  They like to know that they are pleasing you.  Tell them what you want, how you want it and that they are doing it right.  Be careful with this one… don’t come off like a drill sergeant… 1, 2, 3, left, right, left.  Always stay in the moment, allow yourself to enjoy what’s happening and speak to him in a manner that uplifts him not in a way that tells him he’s messing up.

     Fellatio is something that most men are not willing to live without.  Fellatio is oral sex performed on the man.  If your man has told you that he doesn’t like it or that you don’t have to do it, chances are that you don’t know what you’re doing.  The only thing worse than not having it done, is having it done badly.  Books that explain how to do it can be easily found, but I recommend the videos.  Do a Google search on “How to Perform Fellatio Video” and you will see a list of choices.  A video will show you step by step what to do and how to do it.  It will tell you everything from what to do so he doesn’t feel your teeth to how not to choke. 

Real Talk:  There is no guarantee that your man won’t cheat on you.  Some men are going to cheat no matter what you do… the best thing you can do to control the situation is to make sure that you are not providing a reason. There are a great deal of good men out there who don’t want to cheat but if you are starving them, don’t assume they won’t.  Handle your business!

Let Your Man Watch the Game

     When I say let your man watch the game, I mean let him do whatever relaxes him.  Your man has to deal with drama all day long at work.  I promise you that the last thing he wants is to have drama waiting for him when he gets home.  If your man gets off work at 5:00pm and doesn’t come home until after 7:00pm, he is going somewhere else to unwind enough so that he has sufficient energy to deal with coming home to you.  What this is telling you is that you are not creating a soothing environment for your man.  Home is where a man should be able to rejuvenate his mind, his body and his spirit.  Home should be a man’s heaven on earth, not hell on earth.  When your man comes home it should be into a warm welcoming environment.  When he hits the door, don’t hit him with what went wrong, what he should have done and what he needs to do next. 

     If your man is reachable by telephone during the day, the best thing for you to do is call him at work when something is wrong, broken or needs to be paid for.  This provides two benefits:  It keeps you from having to give him bad news at home; and If it’s going to piss him off, he gets to be pissed off at work.  This has nothing to do with being afraid of him; this is about keeping as much drama out of your home as possible.  If he’s has the rest of the work day to deal with whatever the news is, it gives him time to cool off before he gets home so you don’t have to deal with it.

     When your man comes home, greet him at the door with a warm hello and a kiss and pay attention, this is the most important part… then shut up.  Let that man come in, wash the outside germs off his body, change his clothes, eat that wonderful meal you prepared for him and relax his mind.  Usually after about two hours, his mind is right and he will be open to socializing with you.  What you will realize is that this quiet time that you’ve created for him is also quiet time for you.  Tell your friends and your family not to call or visit during that two-hour block that begins when he gets home.  If you are on the phone when he gets home, hang up.  If you have children, turn this into quiet time for them as well; this can be a time for quiet play in their room or homework time.  Schedule your family time for the time between quiet time and bedtime.  Couple time begins after you put the children to bed.  Now that you have scheduled quiet time for everyone, including yourself, you now have energy for couple time.

     If your man was into sports or some other activity when you met him; leave that man alone and let him watch the game.  If the game is a game that you can enjoy… join him.  If no matter how hard you try, you just can’t get into it… go to another room.  You don’t have to understand why he likes it so much, what you have to do is respect the fact that he likes it and let him enjoy it.

Real Talk:  If all you give your man is a hard time and bring confusion into his life, he will find someplace else to relax.  More often than not, this will include someone else to relax with.

     It is always easy to point out what the other person is doing wrong, but if what you truly want is to have a successful relationship, you must look first at yourself.  Determine what you can do to make the situation better.  Ask yourself what you are doing to make things worse and stop doing them.  We, as women, are complicated in what we want and what we need; mostly because the answers to those questions are likely to change from moment to moment.  What we want just depends on the day, the time and the place that the question is asked.  Men are not that complicated.

     This series isn’t called how to keep your man from cheating because your man cheating or not cheating is not the point.  You giving him what he needs is the point.  Sadly, if you are unable to assess that you aren’t doing your part to keep the relationship growing the result may very well be that he will cheat on you or leave… he will most certainly be unhappy.  There are obviously more things that can be done but as you manage these key elements, your life with you man should be pleasant enough to work through the rest.  Take control of your situation and do what you need to do to make sure that your relationship stays strong.  Your man will have to go out into the world without you.  Make sure that his stomach is full, he is sexually satisfied and your home environment is relaxing to him and when it’s time to come home; he will not pass go, he will not collect $200, he will be making his way directly home to YOU.  

Only Love,

Ms. M2
MiChele Mitchell

Love…Fact or Fiction

I am a wedding planner.  I am the one who creates the fantasy world of the perfect wedding and for me to do that I need to keep my feet planted firmly in reality.  Women spend their whole lives dreaming of their wedding day, and it’s my job to make that dream come true.  The name of our company is Affairs of the Heart and our slogan, “Happily Ever After… Begins With Us!” is so true.  Happily Ever After does begin on the wedding day.  That I can guarantee.  The cold reality is that there is no real guarantee that it will last.  It’s all based on this thing called Love.

What is Love?  Does anyone really know?  We know a mother’s love, the love you have for your siblings and your friends.  What about this love that you have for a significant other?  Is it like we see in the movies or like we hear in the love songs?  Who really knows:  Webster, Dr. Ruth or Luther?  The Webster’s Dictionary says love is “an attraction based on sexual desire: affection and tenderness felt by lovers.”  Sounds good.  Dr. Ruth thinks it’s all about the sex.  And Luther told us that “It’s So Amazing,” it’s “Here and Now,” “Love Won’t Let Me Wait” and it’s “Always and Forever.”

I’m sure you have heard people say that they have fallen out of love with someone.  I believe that it isn’t possible to fall out of love.  If you truly love someone… that love will always be there.  You may realize that a relationship isn’t healthy for you; You may choose not to be with the person anymore… but the love (if it was real) will still be there.

Is love real or is it just an illusion?  You have all these feelings for all various people throughout your lifetime how do you tell which is the real thing?  Just something to think about.

Only Love, 
 
Ms. M2
MiChele Mitchell

Interracial Relationships

I was watching a television game show and I’ve been following this competitor who is male and African American for weeks.  They had his wife join him for the finale.  She came out and I caught myself having a reaction to the fact the she was a white woman.  I just had a conversation with my son regarding interracial relationships so I decided to address it.

There are over 59 million interracial marriages in the US and the rate of dating is, of course, higher.

When African Americans and White’s marry there is over 2.5 times more likely to be an African American husband and a White wife. 

With an Asian and White situation, it is just over 3 times more likely for the husband to be White and the wife to be Asian.

African American and Asian relationships are rare.  when they do marry, it’s over 6 times more likely that the husband is African American and the wife is Asian.

18% of Hispanic wives are married to non-Hispanic men.  15% of Hispanic men have non-Hispanic wives.

In marriagesinovlving Hispanics and Whites, it is just over 1 times more likely that the wife is Hispanic and the husband is White.

What does all this mean?

While the majority of all races still marry within their race, it can seem like members of your own race are being chosen by another race.  This can be an issue for you if you only want to marry within your race.

African American women seem to be the most vocal regarding women of other races being with African American men but Asian men are actually statistically worse off than African American women.  For every 1,000 married Asian women, only 860 Asian men are married.  In comparison, for every 1,000 married African American women, there were 1,059 married African American men.

This data suggests that Asian men prefer to marry Asian women and African American women prefer to marry African American men while their counterparts are likely to marry members of a different race leaving them less to choose from.

Now I know we have people that are dead-set against mixing of the races.  In general I’m not one of them.  As I said earlier though, I did have and have had before, reactions to black men and white women.  Honestly… I’m not sure why but I thought it was worth having the discussion.  What are your thoughts?

Only Love,

~M2

The Reality of Relationships

I have a confession to make.  My name is M2 and I’m a Reality Show Junkie!

Yeah, Flavor of Love… a total of about 60 women fighting to win the affections of Flavor Flav.  Flavor of Love 1, when Flavor Flav chose Hoopz and she dumped him on the reunion show.  Flavor of Love 2, when Deelishes was really the one… for a couple of months anyway.  Then Flavor of Love 3, when Flav finally found his Ms. Ghetto Fabulous Good-Girl… Thing 2.  Just to realize that he really wanted to be with one of his babies mammas, dumped Thing 2 and proposed to his most recent baby momma on the reunion show.

Now everything that I’ve seen of Flav leads me to believe that he is a really beautiful person… on the inside.  Good looking is different to everyone so lets just say he’s not mainstream good-looking, when means the average person probably wouldn’t think he’s good-looking.  This is one of those times that I just have to ask… Do looks really matter?

I would like to say that looks don’t matter to me but they do.  I’m just not that mature.  I can say that I’m not shallow because you must have more than just good looks, but good looks must be present.

One of the spin-off shows from Flavor of Love was a show call Charm School.  Six contestants from Flavor of Love 1 and 7 contestants from Flavor of love 2 competed for the title of Charm School Queen and $50,000.  There is also a new show out called From Gs to Gents… 14 gangsters determined to become gentlemen while competing for $100,000.  The question that comes to mind with these shows is… Can people really change?

I think that to change who you really are at the core, you would first have to believe that something is wrong with that part of you and really want it to change.  I think that if you’re changing for any external reason… for money or because someone else wants you to, you can do it but it will be temporary.

One of my favorite shows is Big Brother.  As in Big Brother is watching.  Groups of people are isolated in a house together for about three months.  During this time they can only interact with each other, have no idea of news happening outside of the house, have their every move recorded 24/7 by cameras located every place in the house except the stall where the toilets are located.

Could you stand the scrutiny of being watched all day every day, having people pick a part your every word and action?  What about the deceit?  The manipulation required to be the last man standing and receive the grand prize.  Does the end really justify the means?  Can you treat people any kind of way just because you have a good reason?

Now Next Food Network Star, Top Chef and Hell’s Kitchen are all cooking based reality shows.  Most of the contestants are already doing well in their hometowns as chefs and they come together competing for fame and fortune to be judged by the best of the best in their industry.

Are you confident enough in your skills to compete with others who do what you do and think that they are better at it?

Personally, I would love the opportunity to compete against other wedding planners.  For the past 20 years, I have been perfecting all areas of my service and would confidently put myself and my team up against anyone in the industry.

The next show, The Fabulous Life, features the life of Kimora Lee Simmons, ex-wife of Russell Simmons, their two daughters and all of Kimora’s fabulosity.  Kimora is most definitely a drama queen but she is about her business.  If you work hard for her (and you will work hard) she will promote you and give you a chance to shine on a higher level… where you will continue to work hard for her.

Do you believe in giving people a chance just because they work hard and you believe in them or must they come to you degreed up with lots of experiences?

I am very big on knowing who a person is.  If that person has proved themselves to be a loyal, hard worker and I believe they can do the job… I would give them the opportunity.

OK, the final show is Extreme Makeover Home Edition.  The show does major, sometimes complete, renovations to homes in need.  There is a big story hitting the headlines because one of the houses that received an extreme makeover is in foreclosure.  In 2005, an Atlanta family had their home demolished and completely rebuilt by the show… 1,800 people helped to build this four bedroom mini-mansion worth $450,000.  the family also received $250,000 in contributions for scholarships for the children and a home maintenance fund.

Now what happened is that the family took out a $450,000 mortgage on the house to fund a construction business that failed.  My questions is… should certain gifts have strings attached?  Did they have the right to gamble that home away that was given to them?  Or is your view that it was a gift, it was theirs, if they messed it up… oh well?

I’m kind of torn on this one… a gift is a gift so technically it was theirs to loss.  At the same time, I think that they owed it to the people who worked hard for them to be more responsible with that gift.  What do you think?

Only Love,

~M2

 

Religious Differences

I had a conversation iwith a young lady who is in a situation where she and her boyfriend, who are both 18 years old, come from different religious backgrounds.  It’s not particularly an issue for them day to day but as they begin discussing their future, family holidays and raising their potential children they definitely have some issues.

The biggest issue is that she celebrates Christmas and he doesn’t.  During a conversation with her mother, she was told that she can just come home and celebrate Christmas with her family.  She doesn’t want to give up Christmas or the boyfriend and thinks that this is who she will end up married to.

My response to her is that these are the things that need to be ironed out prior to marriage.  The answer is simple in a dating situation… you do what you want to do together, the things you don’t agree on are just done separately.  Hermother’s suggestion my work fine for a while; but what happens when they have children?  If he is dead-set against the children celebrating Christmas because it goes against his beliefs, it could cause a major problem in the relationship if she does it anyway.  On the other hand, she may be resentful if she and the children are forced not to celebrate. 

There is no right or wrong answer but compromise is the key.  If you’re starting your life together with an issue as big as this, you definitely want to discuss it before you get married.  The conversation may effect your decision to marry.  While I don’t make a habit of telling people not to listen to their parents.  When making decisions regarding you and your significant other, you can take into consideration advise from a parent but it has to be what works for the two of you.  Talk it out!

Only Love,

~M2

 

Independence Day

I have been thinking about the people wanting to declare their independence from the relationship that they are in.  The difficulty attached to declaring your independence depends on your situation.  If you are a teen or an adult that is involved in an unhappy dating situation, in most cases its as easy as having a conversation around the fact that the relationship is no longer working for you and its over. 

If you’re in a situation where the other person refuses to let you go, your solution may be closer to this…

If you are married, leaving is a serious thing and should be treated as such.  I think the worse thing you can do is leave and then regret it because you didn’t do all that you could to work it out before you left.  If there is anything that can be done to make it work, that should be explored first.

Even if you are tired of the situation and don’t feel like working on it, don’t leave if you are still in love with your spouse, if you are angry, scared or confused.  If any of these situations apply leaving would be an emotional decision.  You don’t want to make such a major decision based solely on emotion.

The bottom line is that there is no one right way that will work for everyone.  If you are a teen and are in a situation where the other person won’t let you go… seek help from an adult (preferable a parent).  For everyone else, you need to consider everything involved and make a decision that your head and heart can be in agreement with. 

Only Love,

~M2

Should You Push a Man to Marry You?

I receive a lot of questions from people regarding relationships.  I answer them on the phone, email and sometimes on my Internet talk radio show… TheAceMan Show.  I actually addressed this question during a relationship show but I thought I would share it here as well.

The young lady who sent the question and her boyfriend have been together for three years.  He currently lives at home with his mother to save money.  She wants him to move in with her and for them to get engaged with a plan to marry in 2 years because she feels like shes invested too much time for this not to go anywhere.

Her question is “Should you push a man to marry you?”

My response to this question is absolutely not.  the first reason is that this man is still living with his mother for whatever reason.  He hasn’t proven that he can take care of himself, let alone have a wife and/or family.  He needs time to get himself together first. 

The next reason is she is trying to manipulate the outcome that she wants.  He hasn’t proposed to her, he hasn’t even indicated that he wants to live with her.  They have been together three years and hes not in a conversation regarding the progression of this relationship.  There is a book titled “He’s Just Not That Into You.”  I’m not saying this to be cruel in any way but sometimes we tend to overemphasis our importance in other people’s lives because its what we want.

My final reason is that you should have enough respect for yourself not to want to be with someone that you have to force to marry you.  Marriage is challenging enough for people who actually want to be married.  Forcing someone into the situation is just a recipe for disaster.

Only Love,

~M2